The Thought Before the Thought
A delayed train journey became something far more significant when I learned the disruption had been caused by someone taking their own life. This blog reflects on the person behind the delay, the pain that may have led them there, and the importance of noticing that first thought before it grows. If you are struggling, you do not need perfect words. Sometimes reaching out simply starts with saying, “Hi.”
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The Thought Before the Thought
Yesterday I had to go and collect my car from a garage after having some work done, which meant getting two different trains. The first train was delayed by around fifteen minutes. No great drama. These things happen. But by the time I arrived at the station where I needed to change, I had missed my connecting train. I got my phone out to see when the next one was due, only to realise that every train for the rest of the day had been cancelled. Instead of arriving at the station near the garage and having a one-minute walk to collect my car, I now had to leave the station and arrange a taxi to take me the remaining six or seven miles.
A Different Perspective
While I was standing outside waiting for the taxi, I got talking to a few other people who had found themselves in the same situation. Somewhere further along the main line, somebody had taken their own life. That was why the trains had stopped. Inevitably, there were comments about the disruption. People were frustrated. Plans had been changed, journeys cancelled, people were going to be late getting home and the whole railway network seemed to have been thrown into chaos. There were comments about how this person had ruined everybody's day. I understood the frustration, but I couldn't look at it in the same way.
I stood there for probably fifteen or twenty minutes waiting for my taxi and found myself thinking about the person who had died. I knew absolutely nothing about them. I didn't know their name, their age, where they lived or what had happened in their life. But I kept thinking about what somebody must have been feeling to reach that point. How long had they been carrying whatever they were carrying? How long had suicide been a thought in their mind? Then I found myself going further back than that. When was the very first time that thought appeared? What happened before it? Was there one event, or was it hundreds of smaller things slowly piling on top of each other until they could no longer see another way through?
I wondered whether anybody knew how bad things had become for them. Had they tried to tell somebody? Had somebody asked them if they were okay and they had replied, "Yeah, I'm fine"? Had they reached out and not known how to explain what was going on inside them? Were they receiving professional help? Had they convinced themselves that nothing could help? I will never know any of those answers. But standing outside that station, the inconvenience of having to get a taxi suddenly seemed completely insignificant compared with the reality that somewhere a human being had reached a point where they believed there was no other option.
There Is No Scale for Suffering
One of the things I have learned through the conversations I have with men through AURELIAN WITHIN is that there is very little value in comparing suffering. I speak with men in all sorts of situations. Some are dealing with relationship breakdowns, grief, loneliness, financial pressure, family problems, addiction, work, identity, regret or simply a feeling that they have lost themselves somewhere along the way. One person's situation might look completely different from another person's, but that doesn't make either person's pain less real. You cannot simply put two lives next to each other and decide who is entitled to be struggling more. What you are going through is happening inside your life, with your history, your experiences, your relationships and everything that has brought you to this particular moment.
The First Thought
And that brings me back to something I couldn't stop thinking about yesterday. The first thought. The seed. That moment when somebody who has perhaps never considered suicide before suddenly thinks, even for a second, "I don't want to be here anymore." Because there is an enormous distance between that first thought appearing and somebody eventually acting upon it. Somewhere within that distance there may be opportunities for conversations, support, professional help, somebody noticing, somebody listening, or simply somebody sitting beside you while you try to make sense of what is happening.
So if you are reading this and that thought has already appeared, please don't dismiss it. You don't need to wait until things become unbearable before reaching out. And you don't need to have the perfect words to explain how you feel. You don't even need to know exactly what is wrong. If contacting AURELIAN WITHIN feels easier than contacting somebody you know, you can literally start with one word. "Hi." That's enough. We can take it from there.
If you feel helpless, if you feel trapped, or if you are starting to believe that the only way out is to end your life, I implore you to seek professional help. AURELIAN WITHIN is not a crisis service. We are not therapists, counsellors or doctors, and I would never pretend that sitting down with me is a replacement for professional support. If you are in immediate danger, please call 999 or go to A&E. You can also contact Samaritans free, day or night, on 116 123.
Just Reach Out
But if professional help feels frightening right now and what you need first is another human being to sit opposite you and listen, I am here. I know how difficult life can become. I know how hard it can be to explain what is happening inside your own head when sometimes you don't even understand it yourself. I cannot promise that I will have the answers, because often I won't. I am just a man. But I can promise that I will listen. I will hear you. I will sit with you without judgement, and I will do everything I reasonably can to help you find the next step.
Yesterday somebody reached the end of whatever battle they had been fighting. I never knew them, and I never will. But while other people around me were thinking about cancelled trains and disrupted journeys, I couldn't stop thinking about the journey that person must have been on long before any of us arrived at that station.
If that journey sounds even slightly familiar to you, please don't wait until you reach the end of it.
Just reach out.
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