The Space We’re Missing

The Space We’re Missing

One of the things that continues to strike me about AURELIAN WITHIN is the incredible range of men who reach out. I am not sure "surprised" is quite the right word anymore, because I have seen it enough times now that perhaps I shouldn't be surprised. But I am still struck by it.

The youngest men who have contacted me have been eighteen or nineteen years old. At the other end of the spectrum, I have spoken with men well into their eighties. And between those two points is almost every age, background, profession, personality and walk of life you can imagine. There isn't a particular "type" of man who contacts AURELIAN WITHIN. There isn't a particular stage of life either.

Some are young men trying to work out who they are and where they fit into the world. Some are in the middle of careers, relationships, families and responsibilities. Others are approaching later chapters of their lives and finding themselves looking back at what has happened, what has changed, what has been lost and what still lies ahead.

The reasons they reach out are equally varied. Sometimes something significant has happened. A relationship has ended. Someone has died. Work has become difficult. Family circumstances have changed. Life has suddenly taken an unexpected turn. Other times there isn't one dramatic event at all. There is just a feeling.

Something isn't quite right. They feel isolated, overwhelmed, restless, confused or simply tired of carrying whatever it is they have been carrying on their own. And occasionally there isn't even a need to talk about anything particularly heavy. They just want somebody to talk to. Or perhaps even more simply, somebody to be around.

Different lives, the same need

What I keep being reminded of is that despite the enormous differences between these men and their circumstances, there is a common thread running through so many of the conversations. At some point they have found themselves thinking, I need somewhere to put this.

They need a space where they don't have to perform. They don't necessarily want advice. They aren't always looking for somebody to fix anything. Sometimes there isn't anything that can be fixed. They simply want to speak openly and know that somebody is genuinely listening.

And that makes me think about something much bigger. Because if men from completely different generations, backgrounds and circumstances are independently arriving at the same place, where they feel they haven't really got anyone in their lives they can talk openly with, then perhaps something is missing in the way we live.

We are more connected than we have ever been technologically, yet genuine human connection can sometimes feel remarkably difficult to find. People can have partners, families, friends, colleagues and hundreds of contacts on their phones and still feel as though there are things they cannot say to anybody. I find that both fascinating and, if I am honest, a little sad.

A space without expectation

I can only really speak from the male perspective because that is the world I know and the reason AURELIAN WITHIN exists. I am sure many women experience their own versions of loneliness, isolation and the need to be heard. But men have their own particular relationship with vulnerability, friendship and communication.

Many of us have grown up being far better at standing beside somebody and doing something together than sitting opposite them and saying, "This is what is actually going on with me." There is nothing inherently wrong with that. Men communicate in different ways. But sometimes life reaches a point where keeping everything contained simply stops working.

And perhaps that is where having a space without judgement, expectation or obligation becomes important. A conversation doesn't always have to lead somewhere. There doesn't need to be a diagnosis, a solution or a five-step plan at the end of it. Sometimes a conversation is enough.

Sometimes sitting with another human being and knowing that, for that hour, you don't need to pretend everything is fine is enough.

Why I’m glad I started

Every time somebody new contacts AURELIAN WITHIN, and every time somebody who has spoken with me before gets back in touch, I am reminded why I started it.

I didn't begin this with some grand idea that I could change people's lives. I simply believed there should be somewhere a man could reach out and have a conversation. No judgement. No pressure. No requirement to explain why he needs it. Just another person saying, in effect, "I'm here. Talk if you want to."

Seeing the range of people who have taken up that invitation has been genuinely humbling. There is also a strange mixture of emotions that comes with it. Part of me is incredibly pleased that AURELIAN WITHIN exists and that people are finding it. Another part of me wishes there wasn't such a need for it.

But perhaps those two feelings can exist together. Because whatever has happened culturally or socially to leave so many people feeling that they don't have somewhere to speak openly, I cannot change that on my own. What I can do is create one small space where they can.

And every conversation reminds me that making the decision to start AURELIAN WITHIN was the right one.

Sometimes people don't need answers. Sometimes they don't need fixing. Sometimes they just need somebody there.

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