Grief

Grief

Grief is a word we usually associate with death. The loss of a parent, partner, friend, sibling or somebody else we love. But the more I think about grief, the more I realise it reaches much further than that. Grief can come from losing a person, a relationship, a friendship, a way of life, a future we thought we were going to have, or even a version of ourselves that no longer exists.

When somebody we love dies, I think one of the hardest parts is not simply that they are gone. It is the sudden loss of opportunity. There are no more chances to tell them how much they meant to us. No more opportunities to say thank you, to apologise, to show affection, to laugh together, or simply to sit in the same room and enjoy their company. It is often only after someone has gone that the smallest things become incredibly important. Their laugh. Their humour. The way they said certain words. Their habits. The stories they told repeatedly. The sound of them walking through the door. Things that once seemed completely ordinary can suddenly become some of the things we miss the most.

The grief of helplessness

When somebody we love has been ill, grief can carry another emotion with it - helplessness. Whether the illness lasted days, months or years, there can be a desperate desire to make things better. We can sit with them, hold their hand, listen, comfort them, take them to appointments and tell them we love them, but sometimes there is nothing we can actually do to take away what they are experiencing.

That helplessness can stay with us long after they have gone. We might wonder what they were thinking during their final days or hours. Were they frightened? Were they in pain? Did they know how loved they were? Was there something more we could have done? Sometimes there are no answers to those questions. And perhaps part of grief is learning to live peacefully with things we will never fully know.

Regret and missed opportunities

Grief also has a way of making us look backwards. We remember conversations, arguments, things we said, things we did not say and moments we thought we would have another chance to put right. There can be guilt in that. We can tell ourselves we should have visited more, called more often, listened more closely or said how we really felt.

But hindsight gives us knowledge we did not have at the time. We cannot change what has already happened, but we can choose what we do with what it teaches us. Perhaps one of the most meaningful things we can do with regret is allow it to change how we treat the people who are still here. Make the phone call. Give the hug. Say thank you. Tell somebody you love them. Do not always assume there will be another opportunity.

Grieving people who are still alive

Not all grief involves death. Sometimes people disappear from our lives while continuing with theirs. Friendships change. Relationships end. Families become distant. People who once knew everything about us can eventually become people we barely know.

There may be no funeral and no recognised moment of loss, but there can still be grief. We can miss somebody while also knowing they no longer belong in our lives. We can remember good times without needing to recreate them. Sometimes we have to accept that certain people belonged to a particular chapter of our lives rather than the whole story. That acceptance can hurt, but it can also allow us to move forward.

Grieving the person we used to be

There is another kind of grief that I think we talk about far less - the grief of losing ourselves. As we grow older and experience different things, we change. Sometimes that change is positive. We become calmer, more self-aware, more comfortable in our own skin. We understand our boundaries better. We stop tolerating things that once consumed us.

And yet we can still miss the person we used to be. We might miss their innocence, their spontaneity, their friendships, their dreams or simply the life they once lived. There is a strange contradiction in being happier with who we are today while still feeling a sense of loss for parts of ourselves that no longer exist. But perhaps those feelings do not cancel each other out. We can appreciate who we have become while still honouring who we once were.

Learning to carry grief

I am not sure we ever completely get over grief. Perhaps we simply learn how to carry it differently. At first it can feel incredibly heavy. Over time, through reflection, understanding and continuing to live, that weight begins to change.

Self-reflection can help us understand what we are actually grieving. Is it the person? The relationship? The regret? The future we imagined? The things we never said? Or the version of ourselves that disappeared along the way? Understanding the source of the pain can sometimes be the beginning of accepting it.

Inner work also teaches us something difficult but important - we cannot control everything around us. We cannot change the past. We cannot decide how somebody else should deal with their own pain. We cannot control how other people behave, what they think, or how they respond to loss. We can only take responsibility for ourselves. Our thoughts. Our words. Our actions. Our reactions.

And perhaps that is where some peace eventually comes from. Not from forgetting what we have lost, but from accepting that loss is part of being human. Grief is painful because something mattered. The people we lose, the relationships that end and even the versions of ourselves that disappear all leave something behind.

Eventually, if we allow ourselves to reflect rather than run from it, grief can begin to sit alongside gratitude. Gratitude that the person existed. Gratitude that the friendship happened. Gratitude for the memories. Gratitude for the lessons. And gratitude for the person we once were.

Because everything we have loved, lost and lived through becomes part of who we eventually become.

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